Rational

“Is my Creator pleased with me?”

Without a doubt, this is the Number One question on the minds of every Muslim brother and sister. Yes, your being a Muslim pleases Allah (Subhana wa’ta’Aa’la) greatly, no doubt. Surely, He is very pleased to see His preferred religion- the only TRUE religion- so strong in numbers. But with over 1.7 billion Muslims in the world these days, the competition to stand out for Allah (Subhana wa’ta’Aa’la) is very strong- not as strong as it was in the days of the beloved Prophet [may Allah (Subhana wa’ta’Aa’la)’s peace and blessings be upon him]- but in terms of sheer numbers, it is very difficult… even if many Muslim brothers and sisters today do bring kind of a weak-ass game in the iman department.

Research shows, however, that if you’re serious about cleaning up your act for Allah (Subhana wa’ta’Aa’la), the most important place to start is simple: DO NOT question the premise of Islam, which is that Allah (Subhana wa’ta’Aa’la) chose to communicate very specific instructions to humanity through the personage of a 7th century Arab merchant, and that following those instructions is the point of our very existence. IF YOU DO…  Allah (Subhana wa’ta’Aa’la), applying His Divine Algorithm of Mercy and Justice, may do any of the following to you. And if you notice any of these things, then it may mean that your Creator just isn’t that into you anymore.

He makes you go from having one question… to questioning everything!

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It’s amazing, but some Muslims ask so many questions about Islam as though Allah (swt) has not already answered everything already in the Noble Qur’an! Lool. These people are in danger of getting a mental disease that Allah (swt) likes to infect people with when they think they are too smart for Islam.

He makes you late for prayers!

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Those who love the Creator and whom the Creator loves are always on time for their prayers. Those who do not love the Creator start to be late for prayers, and start missing them entirely. This is part of Allah (swt)’s plan. Do not think you are getting away with anything if you miss prayers. Allah (swt) planned it like that and the joke is on you.

He makes you start to think the beautiful sounds of the Qur’an are ugly!

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Most people who have bad impressions of Islam have this because of the Western media conspiracy. But did you know that there are some people who actually read and listen to the Qur’an and think it makes no sense and it’s ugly? Yup! Allah (swt) does that to people, he makes it so they can’t hear its beautiful message.

He makes you love Western culture, money, music, and you forget your parents!

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This is another sure sign you have transgressed. You start to get into other things that are not Islam, and start acting like an animal, and you are not grateful to your parents. This is a sure sign that Allah  (swt) has noticed your lack of faith and is pushing you away.

He makes you think that the Prophet [may Allah (Subhana wa’ta’Aa’la)’s peace and blessings be upon him] was not Allah (swt)’s Beloved Messenger!

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It is clear to anyone who studies the life of the Muhammad (swt) that it is impossible that he was not sent by Allah (swt) for a very specific mission, to bring Islam as a mercy to mankind. If you start to doubt this, it is a sign that Allah (swt) is testing you… or perhaps, He just isn’t that into you anymore.

He strengthens your homosexual urges!

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Obviously.

He makes you set up a satirical website that mocks Islam!

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This is a big one. Sometimes he makes you set up a satirical website that mocks Islamic beliefs and societies. Allah (swt) loves to curse people who do this by making them make the same repetitive jokes that get old after a while, and by directing dimwitted xenophobes to their site that do not understand irony. Allah (swt) is just not into such people.

He makes you shave your beard!

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Allah (swt) loves beards, especially when they’re shaped real nice and just the right length. Our beloved Prophet (saws) had the best beard, and that was one of the things Allah (swt) loved about him so much. But when Allah (swt) decides He’s not that into you anymore, he’ll make it so you shave your beard, so that your naked, shameful chin can be proof of your infidelity.

He makes you think women should have more rights than are stated in the Qur’an!

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I know. It’s ridiculous.

He will make it so you never find a husband!

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If you push Allah (swt) away, he will make it so you never find a suitable husband, even though your younger sister Amina was already married 3 years ago and has two children, and your other younger sister Asma just got engaged to Umar, who was supposed to be for you but somehow he got interested in Asma.

He will make your symptoms worse!

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That cough you have been having along with the pain in your abdomen will not go away in a few days, but they will persist and soon be accompanied by chronically bad breath, a strange yellowing of your fingernails, and the loss of all your arm hair. These symptoms will not get better, until you stop questioning Islam and start studying it with a learned scholar, or at least adopt an open mind towards it instead of thinking you are smarter than Allah (swt).

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