As the chairman of the Council of Muslims of North America & the World (“CMONNOW”), Dr. Nilshad Milkwad spearheads that organization’s effort to develop new taqiyya initiatives meant to deflect criticism away from Islam, and conceal Islam’s plot for a global caliphate. However, as Dr. Milkwad explains, his job is being made more and more difficult by the increasing political divide between American liberals and conservatives.

“America is a very strange country,” says Dr. Milkwad. “When I came here in 1975, taqiyya was much simpler. Now, with the rise of social media, and especially increasingly educated conservative American patriots who are wising up to the liberal conspiracies and working to take back their country, Taqiyya is much more difficult.”

Pressed to pinpoint when this trend began, Dr. Milkwad points to Pamela Gellar, whose uncovering of the Muslim institution of taqiyya alerted conservative Americans to the uniquely Muslim practice of spinning facts to suit their agenda, a concept that was completely foreign to Americans, who are always honest with everyone about their motives and agenda.

“Pamela Gellar changed the game for all of us as far as taqiyya goes,” says Dr. Milkwad.

On the one hand, regressive liberals continue to reliably consume taqiyya. For example, Sally Koenig was nearly moved to tears by CMONNOW’s recent taqiyya where they hosted a dinner for homeless people in honor of Ramadan, followed by a prayer vigil for the victims of the Orlando shooting, where over 150 Muslims prayed to Allah to overlook their homosexuality and grant them forgiveness.

“Muslims are just like us,” said Koenig, a Jewish atheist who identifies as bisexual and who, technically, could not physically exist in a country organized under any recognizable form of Islamic law. “My roommate Sabah from Columbia Law is Muslim, and my friend Dana is engaged to a Pakistani spinal surgeon, Omar, who I think is Muslim. And the Afghani guy at Dunkin’ Donuts, Jamal, is so sweet to me- he always smiles at me and asks me if I have a boyfriend.”

On the other hand, gun-rights activist and Donald Trump supporter Gary Van Der Nurple thinks CMONNOW’s latest taqiyya is just a ploy to improve Islam’s image so that Shari’ah law can be imposed on him.

“You gotta understand, Muslims have been starting wars since the very beginning. Their whole society is organized around spreading Islam by force,” says Van Der Nurple, whose father fought in Vietnam, and whose great grandfather worked as a junior administrator of a Native American reservations in the late 1800’s. “And now they’ve got their man in the White House, Mr. Barry Hussein Obama.”

“The diverse views of people like Sally Koenig on the one hand, and Mr. Van Der Nurple on the other hand, make taqiyya very difficult for CMONNOW,” says Dr. Milkwad. “Someone like Mr. Van Der Nurple, who cares enough about the future of America to study the Qur’an and Hadith the way he does, poses a big challenge for us. Taqiyya for Mr. Van Der Nurple would ideally seek to relate to our mutual antipathy towards the LGBTQ community, and our common mistrust of the Jews. However, we also do not want to alienate people like Sally Koenig, whose deep-seated guilt about her own socio-economic status and skin color make her completely incapable of seeing Muslims as anything other than victims of privileged whites.”

We asked Miss Koenig about her understanding of the Muslim world, and she responded: “Most people don’t realize how culturally rich and diverse the Muslim world is. Islamic art is just beautiful.”

“Muslim countries have elected way more women leaders than the West has,” Koenig continued, seemingly unaware that her short shorts, low cut halter top, and ankle tattoo would make her a prime target for harassment in Pakistan, groping in Egypt, or arrest in Saudi Arabia. “Some of the most accomplished women I know are Muslims.”

“You want to stop terrorism?” asks Koenig. “Bring our troops home, and end our drone program. Let Muslim countries govern their own affairs,” says the woman, who believes that all global conflict can be traced back to the CIA.

Van Der Nurple is similarly concerned about global conflict, but has a different solution to the problem. “You gotta understand, these people, they only understand one thing, and that’s a good ol’ boot to the ass,” Van Der Nurple states confidently. “We need to send in the military, let them do their job, and then get the hell out,” says the man whose main exposure to US foreign policy comes from reading “American Sniper: The Story of American Hero Chris Kyle,” as well as intensively studying several internet forums.

All this polarization makes the job of Muslim spokesmen like Dr. Milkwad, and organizations like CMONNOW, that much harder. “Do you see what we are dealing with here?” says Dr. Milkwad. “This is why in Islam, we do not allow freedom of speech. It is much easier when, instead of allowing every moron to give their own opinion on things, we simply live according the laws of the Creator.”


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