KUALA LUMPUR, Oct 20- Malaysian citizens will now have to refrain from performing coitus, in the ‘doggy-style’. It has been found, to the confusion of Muslims in particular, that the doggy-style is an emulation of dogs having a go. Dogs are deemed as unclean and unhygienic animals and are considered haram in the Shafi’i mazhab of the Sunni faith.

“The dog, is considered ‘Najis Mughalazhah’ and this is one of the highest state of impurities. So much so, that anyone who partakes in the “doggy style” position during coitus is forbidden from performing his Solah (prayer), unless he does the compulsory purification cleansing” said Ustaz Zakar Lambaik, during the official launch of the alkaline halal water, Aeaeno Freshest.

hush puppy shoe

Just look at their slogan, Masha’allah

“First, they make us eat hot dogs. Then they give us Hush Puppy shoes. And I really must protest the AlPacino classic, ‘Dog Day Out’ which coincidentally, shows tolerance to the homosexual practice” he continued.

“However the Ummah need not look to the West and copy their kuffar ways. The Evil West always has an agenda to corrupt the pure Muslim mind from following the straight path. I suggest we return to the way of our roots of our religion and instead perform the ‘dolly-style’, where one buys their bride a doll before performing the coitus. Ah, I understand many are protesting as the wives may not like dolls, but my 12 yr old wife loves it. It works like a charm, everytime” grins Lambaik.

His face turned grim and his tone raised, “However, do be aware, my brothers, to not buy the doll of the ‘Barbie’ variety, as it sounds much like ‘babi’, the Indonesian and Malay word for ‘pig’. Witness brothers, how the West works it’s evil, even in the toy-store, in their subtle, subliminal ways.”

He adds, “The best Sunnah however,  is to do it “Prophet style”, not “doggy style”. Prophet style is of course the most halal but also the most unimaginably pleasurable position for the man and whichever that his right hand possesses.”

“But for those still inclined towards finding inspiration from nature, another halal animal to emulate, if one still finds the need to, is to have the ‘goaty-style’. In which the copulator keeps a goatee, and the copulatee bleats, just like a goat. We have this in the desert every time, especially during dry season. It is so much fun!” He laughs while stroking his chin-mane.

At which the crowd stopped and stared. After a few moments of silence, Zakar Lambaik continued “No, I do not mean sex with goat. It’s just…. just…. just that… the receiver is hairy, and horny… and…and… Oh shit…”


This is a guest post from Mufti Ali Gator.

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