Washington DC- In the first signs of its global outreach of power, United States President-Elect Donald J. Trump’s administration outlined its proposed regulations to control Muslim populations world-wide, Mufti News has learned.
According to the newly appointed White House Chief Strategist, Steven K(KK) Bannon, the new regulations include:
- Widening the scope of Mr. Trump’s proposed “national Muslim registration” policy to a “global” Muslim registration. Under this policy provision, the Trump administration will be interviewing all citizens throughout the world and requiring them to recite Surah Fatihah. Anyone who is able to recite it will be required to register for the CIA’s global Muslim database.
- Trump White House appointee Newt Gingrich will require American Muslims to undergo a Shariah test, to see if they believe in Shariah law. In particular, if Muslims are found to support Hudud laws, they will be waterboarded until they repent.
- Trump White House appointee Chris Christie is pushing for overturning the Muslim ban on pork, because “bacon is good.” Continued Christie, “America will not rest until bacon-loving people all over the world are able to enjoy this tasty treat.”
- Mr. Trump’s likely pick for Secretary of State, Rudy Giuliani, has suggested that “going forward, the only human tragedies that we will be allowed to remember solemnly are 9/11, and possibly the Holocaust.” All other acts of mass violence are either the fault of the people it happens to, or if it is the fault of the United States, then a quiet statement of “regret” shall suffice as compensation to those affected.
- Muslims are no longer allowed to claim Islam is a religion of peace until all Shariah courts renounce any penalty for apostasy; Muslims who persist in this claim will be accused of “treason” against the concept of “peace.”
“How can you call yourself a peaceful religion, when that same religion punishes people who stop believing in men flying to heaven on winged horses?” said Vice President Elect Mike Pence, on behalf of the new administration. “Jesus didn’t die for this,” he added.
- Telling Muslim women that not covering their heads “is not loved by Allah swt and may make them eligible for the Hellfire” will be deemed hate speech against women. Those found guilty will be sentenced to death unless they repent, or unless they are able to find Allah and have Him state it directly on the record for the White House.
- Under the new regulations, all Muslims will be permitted to renounce their religion without the need to obtain an order from their local Shariah court in their country. They can obtain certificates of freedom of religion directly from the nearest US Embassy.
Mr. Bannon, on behalf of the incoming administration, dismissed concerns about whether or not these policies would cause the United States to be seen as “intolerant” towards the Muslim world.
“America is a nation of peace,” said Mr. Bannon. “But it has been demonstrated already that America has universal values that are clearly better than everyone else’s. And while we do not force Muslims to accept them- our Constitution clearly states that ‘there is no compulsion’ to accept American values- we cannot have people openly questioning America.”