Absolut Haram!

Absolut Haram!

Following great contemplation, I have compiled a hefty catalogue of Haram everyday items—from your average furniture to branded consumables. I will also attach, alongside each item, an Islamic rationale clarifying why the item concerned is Haram. Let us begin.

1. ALL STAR CONVERSE SHOES:

Okay, before you jump at my throat for positing such an absurd claim, I beseech you to lend a patient ear. I can already see you smashing your keyboard, ready to throw off some nasty affronts at me on the comments section.

Let us observe the product. First of all, it is called “Converse All Star” shoes. All star can refer to the universe as a whole (all of the stars in the universe). Now, when you phrase it like this, it means conversing with the universe (conversing with the “All Star”, understand?). Converse, as an adjective, means to possess the opposite characteristics of something in mention. As Muslims, we must analyse the phrase thoroughly to truly understand the deeper meaning behind it. In this case, we combine the adjective with the verb; hence, we get “Conversing with the converse All Star”. Speaking with the opposite of the universe. Ah, what is the opposite of the universe? The AFTERLIFE! In a sense, this refers to speaking to god; we Muslims do this in numerous ways—prayer, rituals, recitals, etc.

“This is a good thing!” you protest. Wrong, my Muslim brothers and sisters. Now, given the meaning, look at the PRODUCT. A shoe. What do you do with shoes? You step into them, and you step around. Step, step, step. Ring a bell, ding-a-ling? It implies, “you must step on the conversation with the afterlife” or more clearly, “you must step on god’s teachings”. Still do not get it? It is telling you that god’s work is so low that you should step on it. It is degrading. It is demeaning. It is utterly disgraceful. To compare the universe and afterlife—merciful God’s creation—to the lowly dust on the ground to be stepped on is an abomination.

A punishment in hell exists where a person is compelled to stroll around in the depths of hell wearing sandals comprised solely of hellfire; the heat is so intense it literally melts your insides out and blows your brain out of your head. Repent, hipsters! Repent or face the consequences!

This is the first in a series on Everyday Haram Items by Br. Mahboubi Al-Bouti.

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