“Damn humans trying to take our jobs! We were here first!”


Seething with righteous fury after seeing mortals claiming to speak for him, God has sent down his spokesangel, the Archangel Gabriel one last time to set the record straight. Crashing through the dome with a trail of holy light streaming behind him and with the heavenly dagger held firmly in his hand, Gabriel spoke to the Muftis who were wetting their pretty dresses.


“I am the one who speaks on God’s behalf. That is my job. Not yours’, not the pope’s, or any human for that matter. Anyone who claims to speak for him will face his wrath, mark my words! God sent me down to set the record straight as you people have greenwalded him. Your prophet was supposed to be ‘a mercy to mankind’. Not a mercy to only the people who agree with you. He said, ‘God is lord of all mankind’. Not your personal God. Let me ask you a question. Why do you worship God?”


“Uhhh… because th-that is our purpose?”


“So you are saying God, lord of all, NEEDS puny humans like you to worship him?”


“N-NO! Naoozubilla, no! G-god made us to worship him. B-but he doesn’t n-need us. W-we n-need him. That is why w-we have to worship him. B-because we need him.”


“Are you kidding me? You are describing God like one of your puny human kings. A stupid egotistical king who insists that he does not need the people to worship him, for he’s the most powerful one – that the actions of these lowly peasants are nothing to him. But when a person fails to worship him, he has them punished. This is indeed proof that he needs the people to boost his ego, even though he does not admit it because of his over-inflated ego. Do not insult God by comparing him to mortals like you! God said, ‘Oh Mankind, worship your lord who created you and those before you..’ Why? ‘.. that you may become righteous’. According to God, righteousness is refraining from inflicting harm and aggression. Not as you fools who imagine God in your pathetic human image believe it, as being a slave to God and worshipping him. What is righteousness according to God? ‘Cooperate in righteousness and piety, but do not cooperate in sin and aggression’. Don’t you fools see it? Righteousness is a counter to aggression! Your primary purpose is righteousness, that is refraining from aggression. Worship is only a mean to that end. God said, ‘Prayer keeps one from immorality and wrongdoing’. God does not say be thankful that you may be righteous, or be righteous that you may worship. The entire goal of worship is righteousness. It is only necessary for fools like you who can’t be righteous without it! I will ask you one more question. What is Islam?”


“*gulp* S-submission?”


“Submission to what?”


“T-to G-god?”


“I oughtta smite you right here! According to God, Islam is made up of three stages. Dedication to the truth, as you may believe it or renounce it, you can know it by the opposites. The second stage is submitting to the truth. The truth! The third stage is the good deeds that reflect from the submission. Do you find this Islam in you or in the people who you say deserve hell, the rationalist humanist skeptical atheists? Honest dedication to information. Submitting to true information. And the good deeds that stem from it.”


“Uhh.. n-no. I-it’s found in t-them.”


“Finally, it looks like I am succeeding in talking some sense into you. So you see, God doesn’t need worship nor does he even need acknowledgement from humans, he’s fucking God! He is not mad at atheists because he didn’t put even one single proof of his existence anywhere! God only sent me down to talk to idiots like you! Idiots who need someone to tell them to be righteous, who can’t figure it out on their own.”


“B-but, what about polytheism though?”


“What is polytheism? You’ll find that you idiots are more polytheistic than the non-muslims. Polytheism is not worshipping man-made idols. It is ascribing partners to God, like religious, political and ideological leaders who you follow blindly. A man can worship man-made idols as a cultural tradition without being a polytheist in the eyes of God. God talked about what real polytheists say, ‘We obeyed our masters and our dignitaries, and they led us astray’.”


“So if we be righteous like those humanists, we will get to partay with the virgins in heaven?”


“Oh for the love of-! How dare you think of God like a filthy human pimp?! The ‘houris’ are not virgin prostitutes God pimps out, it’s a fucking misinterpretation caused by Arabization. In the original Syro-Aramaic, it meant grapes. It was talking about food you idiots can get if you be good boys. But you fucking sexist perverts changed it into whores. Okay, that’s all, remember and spread my words. God is watching.”


And lo! with a blink of an eye, and the sound of flapping wings, he was gone.

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