Science, habibitch!

Science, habibitch!

A Malaysian scientist, Dr. Mat Syiham, has invented an anti-kufr device that stops your heart the moment an unIslamic thought starts to take shape in your mind. The device is surgically implanted on the back of the head where it is connected to the brain.

“How it works is very simple lah. It pick ups brain signals and reads your thoughts and it can successfully predict the type of thought that is forming in the brain before it fully forms. So if an unIslamic kufr thought starts forming in your mind, it sends a signal to your heart, stopping your heart before the kufr thought fully forms. This ensures that you don’t fall into Satan’s trap and instead die as a true Muslim.”

We asked Dr. Mat whether that doesn’t count as suicide, which is haraam (forbidden) in Islam.

“No, the kufr thoughts are whispers of Satan. And it is those thoughts that prompt the heart stopping signals. Therefore the one killing you is not yourself but really Iblis. So the one who dies this way is a Syahid, a martyr, who will get a one way ticket to Jannah!”

The device has sparked heated debates in the Muslim world and even outside the Muslim world. In the Muslim world, most traditional scholars are in favour of it except for a few ultra-orthodox ones on the fringe who are against such technological innovations. Even some liberal Muslims are in favour; they say that even though the device has made Muslim death rates hit the roof, it is still stopping moderate Muslims from joining terrorist groups.

Najid Mawaaz of the liberal Muslim think tank William told Mufti News, “Many young Muslims are faced with a moral dilemma. They have these strong religious beliefs that are instilled in them but as modern youth, they don’t act on them. So there is this feeling of guilt that plagues them. Jihadi recruiters provide them with opportunities to end their existential suffering, give them ways to ensure a pathway to paradise, a way to erase their sins. Now Dr. Mat has come up with a perfect counter for that. Sure, it results in a lot of deaths, but at least they are dying on their own without taking others with them.”

In much of the Western world, where even euthanasia and bodily autonomy is controversial, the device is banned. Many non-Muslims have come out in defense of the device saying things like “Bodies are the properties of their owners, not the state!” Even well-known controversial New Buddhist and porch monkey of Najid Mawaaz, Guru Samhara, has spoken against the ban. Self-proclaimed rival of Samhara, Green Glennwald had this to say about Samhara’s views, “This man surely wants Muslims to die”.

Samhara responded thusly, “Glennwald, are you saying that as a white man, you know what’s best for the Muslims?”

After hearing this, Glennwald suffered a stroke.

Dr. Mat Syiham demonstrated to this reporter how the device is installed by having one installed in his own head. The targeted area is first shaved (Dr. Mat chose to shave his head completely) and after the patient is anesthetized, the back of the skull is drilled by skilled surgeons and the device is lodged there. The whole procedure takes about six hours, so it is advised to have it installed right after Fajr or ‘Isha, lest you miss any mandatory salat.

Device implanted on the back of Dr. Mat's head.

Device implanted on the back of Dr. Mat’s head.

After the procedure was done, Dr. Mat spoke to us about the experience, “It doesn’t hurt at all. And it doesn’t itch or bother me in any way either. It doesn’t even feel like anything artificial is in my skull. Surely these are signs from Allah, I can’t imagine any other device like this being so non-bothersome.”

When this reporter asked him if he was afraid that this might shorten his life, he responded, “You kidding me, ah? I have never thought anything unIslamic, ever! In fact, my mind is so pure I don’t even know what unIslamic things are. What are unIslamic things? Is it questioni–”

Before he could finish his sentence (which might have been “Is it questioning the existence of Allah?”), an expression that simultaneously showed fear and a look that could be indicating something like “This was a bad idea” took over his face as he literally clawed at his heart, ripping his shirt–and even his flesh!–before lifelessly falling down on the floor like a rag doll.

May Allah rest his soul, ameen. (Comment ameen if you have a heart.. a beating heart unlike Dr. Mat Rahimahullah)

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