It’s official: Islamish website www.MuftiNews.com has been confirmed as the fastest growing religious website in the world, according to several people we talked to who heard that somewhere.
This information, which will now be treated as fact even though it’s entirely anecdotal, is all the more impressive considering all the negative misinformation circulating in the media about Islam these days from Islamophobic media outlets on the one hand, and extremist groups that are falsely assumed to represent Islam (but that really have nothing to do with it) on the other.
“These days, everyone is stereotyping Muslims,” stereotyped Mufti Mat Bro, “It’s not right to lump 1.7 billion people together just because they share a religion. That’s something only Jews do. It’s very hurtful to Muslims when people do this.”
Despite this hostile climate, people are still turning to Mufti News in droves, attracted by its message of peas. One new convert we spoke to, who changed her name to ‘Sister Samina,’ after making the decision to devote her life to Mufti News, had this to say:
“I thought I had everything figured out before. I was basically an atheist. But I felt empty inside. I was listening to rock music. I was dating men. And women. And children. And animals. I was walking around naked, all the time. Basically, all the bad things that Muslims think non-Muslims do, I was doing them. And then I found Mufti News, and everything became clear. Mufti News is so simple. It just resonates with my soul.”
Super-hanna-law. Even more amazing is what Dr. Gary Jones, a Western scientist, had to say about Mufti News:
“I’m a Western scientist, so you know I’m not easily fooled. But it’s amazing. I have yet to find a single mistake in Mufti News. The information contained in Mufti News, there’s no way they could have simply written it themselves. The information they speak of, it was not known at the time.
Plus, all of the writers at Mufti News… they are all illiterate. And even more amazing, at least two of them are mentally retarded. And I think one of them is just a chimpanzee that wears clothes but has simply learned to type. Yet nobody has been able to produce a website like Mufti News. It’s remarkable.”
Martial-law. Even celebrities are taking notice. Professional basketball players and hip-hop artists are turning to Mufti News. The other day, someone forwarded us an email that said that Janet Jackson was even considering embracing Mufti News, and had started studying it on her recent world tour. This is amazing.
Even Prince Charles of Wales was heard to comment, “Yeah, Mufti News, it’s not that bad, I read it every now and then.” (note to the uninitiated: Prince Charles cannot openly admit his love of Mufti News because he must remain a member of the Anglican church, but most likely his support is a sign that he has accepted Mufti News in his heart, super-hanna-law).
All this confirms what Mufti News has been saying to its readers all along: that 100% of what Mufti News is true. And that if you don’t believe that, then God will punish you.
Of course, when a website grows as fast as Mufti News does, there will always be critics. Said some loony Islamophobe:
“The statistics that show Mufti News growing faster than other websites are hugely dependent on demographics and high birth rates. To illustrate, the average reader of Mufti News has 8.7 children.
And on top of that, they teach their children to read Mufti News from a very young age, and don’t expose them to anything else, like science, or history. As a result, most readers of Mufti News grow up thinking that anything that contradicts what they read in Mufti News must be false.
What’s more, many readers of Mufti News live under governments where they’ve made it illegal to question Mufti News, or to stop reading it if one wants to. In many countries, questioning or criticizing Mufti News is a crime.
So while I understand that new people are embracing Mufti News every day because of its deep spiritual tradition, what your study is leaving out is that there are many people who are privately questioning Mufti News, and leaving it for other websites.”
We presented this information to Shaikh Abu Du’aba, one of the main Muftis at Mufti News. Faced with these criticisms, Mufti Shaikh Abu Du’aba laughed dismissively. Then he changed the subject.
“Mufti News would not be the fastest growing religious website if it were not true, would it?” asked the Shaikh with a glimmer in his eye.
No. No it would not.
Mufti News appreciates the support of its loyal readers. And with your help, we will be on track to be the largest website on the planet by the 2070.