So you made it into Level 3, Jannat-ul-Naeem, Jannah. Not too bad. You’re hanging out by one of the fig trees, with a couple of other houris as usual, feeding you seedless non-GMO organic grapes, and out of the corner of your eye, you spot something a little too familiar for eternal peace and comfort.
Someone your absolutely despised back in the beforelife.
It’s your mother-in-law! Masha’Allah!
What the Jahannam! How in the world did she get in after all the misery she’s caused you?! These are questions you will undoubtedly be having. Your heavenly mojo is so going to be screwed up once she learns you’re up there with her.
You know she’s not going to stop asking you questions when she finds out your wife is stuck down at Darul Salam, Level 6. Why you’re not being faithful what with all the naked houris lying around, when you clearly promised your wife you’d be loyal to your marriage. Oh the endless lectures, and the eternal nagging that would follow once she finds out even just a fraction of the things you’ve been up to.
So to save your sanity, here are 9 tips to make your stay in Jannah eternally worthwhile.
1. Find a good place to hide
Do whatever it takes to stay out of harm’s way. This may seem quite straightforward but it may not be as easy as you might think. Given an eternity, it’d be just a matter of time before all the hidden spots are found out by its residents. Still, this may however, be a temporary fix until you find a better solution.
2. Tell her you’ve already had your meal if she tries to offer some of her dreadful cooking
Like in the beforelife, she will not only insist on you trying our her short-of-fabulous dishes, but also insist that you compliment her well on her cooking skills. Always try to deflect her request by saying that you’ve already had your meal earlier.
Disclaimer: This might only work a couple of times until she realises what is going on. You might want to take up measures to brace yourself for what comes after.
3. Make sure to know her waking hours
Keep a record of her waking hours. I’m sure you might be asking. Hold up a minute. “Why in heaven would anyone have to sleep? ” Well, you might think that sleep is unnecessary in the afterlife, but truth be told, sleep is too damn awesome to give a miss. Everyone’s got to have some time they’d allocate to sleeping. So adjust your waking hours to coincide exactly with her sleeping hours.
4. Hire pearl like boy servants to distract her
In the afterlife, it is reported that our drive will be 100 times that of our sex drive here in the beforelife. Just imagine for a second. We would all be having so much of it we can never be thankful enough to Allah SJW. But I digress.
Try sourcing out the most kinky pearl-like boy servants to distract your mother-in-law. Find out what best excites her beaver (controversial) and find the most suitable slave boy to do the job. After all, everything would be permissible. And if it ain’t already, well, it should be.
5. Request for a doppelgänger to settle all engagements with the mother in law
Given how well you performed in the beforelife, the Wishes and Grants Department might actually accede to this request. Make sure they come to know of the resulting decreased quality of afterlife you’d be stuck with if your request isn’t granted.
6. Request for a face swap
Similar to the point above, just make sure the face you’re donning doesn’t already belong to one of the damned lest you get identified by one of the guardians and get mistakenly kicked out. Boy would it be one hell of an administrative process to go through, to get your pitiful ass back up. Also, this might not be all too easy a feat to achieve given that there are already so many humans around and only so many permutations a person could possibly look like.
7. Adjust your privacy settings
Imagine it to be just like posting on Facebook. Like adjusting the privacy settings on your Facebook post, you’d have to set exclusions for who can see you and who can’t. This method however might not be suitable for the less tech savvy.
8. Move to your mother’s other foot
The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said, “Your Heaven lies under the feet of your mother” (Ahmad, Nasai)
Allah(SWT) in his infinite wisdom has bestowed the gift of two feet to our mothers, so that in Jannah if your mother-in-law’s persistent pestering gets to you, you can simply move to your mother’s other foot, confining your mother-in law to the other one.
9. Request for a downgrade
If all else fails, request for a downgrade to a lower Jannah level.
I mean, something’s got to give, right. And it’s not like if you asked your mother in law to downgrade, she’d actually listen to you. So, it seems that the final and most drastic option would be to send in an application for InterJannah Level Transfers Department.
Disclaimer: This only works if you’re not already in the lowest level of Jannah.
Here are two other articles that might just help you get into Jannah