This reporter, Mufti Al Kouya, met the mysterious man seen in the picture above last night. You won’t believe what happened next!
I was walking out of a seedy bar in a seedy part of town (uhh, I was investigating something there, I am a Mufti, I don’t drink!) when I saw the man half-concealed by mist. The man slowly walked forward but his face was mysteriously hidden beneath a layer of shadow.. mysteriously. And he started speaking. Judging by the voice, one could say he was old. Now the really mysterious thing was that his voice sounded familiar yet completely new.
“You. I know you. You are a reporter for Mufti News. I have come here with a story, a story like no other. I didn’t want to die, who can blame me? No one does. What? What about those suicide bombers? They don’t want to die either, they want to live forever with virgins. I did find a solution for my fears. I contacted this organization that preserve the dead cryogenically, Alcor Life Extension Foundation. When I died, it felt like I fell asleep. And when I woke up, I was in a strange looking place surrounded by robots! I looked down at my body to see that of the young me, not the old one I died in. It worked! Alcor preserved me until humans learned to revive me in the future!
“It was thousands of years after my death, the world as we know it had ended and humanity had started colonizing the distant planets. After a period of uploading new information to my brain and adapting to the new era, I joined the human space fleets as we went on conquering galaxies and the alien races within. Yes, you heard me right! We had made contact with aliens.. and WE invaded them! We were the alien invaders! While we were planning to conquer a peaceful race of aliens who had built a time machine, I betrayed the humans and teamed up with the aliens. After beating my old comrades, I ate the aliens. What? What are you looking at me like that for? They tasted great. Just like bacon, I tell ya. Mmmm, bacon. From then on, I was known as The Devourer. I took control of the time machine — which the aliens used only to observe, interfering in other eras was strictly forbidden.. for the bacon aliens — and went back to the past to get the bodies of my old friends of the Secret Order of Nivuknights and some others who I liked, like Temujin AKA Genghis Khan. I revived them and made them members of my new fleet of space pirates.
“After a lot of adventuring, I decided to go back in time to kill one man that I really hated, who ruined countless lives.. Muhammad! And so I went back in time and did it! I killed the prophet Muhammad! But the machine needed time to cool off, years! I was stuck in Arabia in Muhammad’s time for years! I had to fit in. So I pretended to be a holy man and gained a following… and it dawned on me… I was the prophet Muhammad…
“Yes. It’s true. But not all the things they say are true. I wasn’t no pedophiliac freak. After I mysteriously disappeared, that is, after I charged up the time machine and left, some crazy idiots started lying about me, creating fake stories about me to justify their own vices. So do you believe me?”
As I shook my head, the mysterious man came closer.. close enough for the shadows on his face to crawl back to reveal an aged but handsome face.. one of the most handsome faces ever… my face!