This chart is irrelevant to the fictional study we made up for this satirical article.

See, Islam does not even show up on this chart as a leading cause of death. Morons.

Boy oh boy, the Islamic Institute for Islamic Thought Processes released some bad news for people who love to blame Islam for bad stuff that happens. They just released the results of their 20 year study over what contributes to the most deaths, and the results are SHOCKING.

That’s right.

SHOCKING.

1. Homosexuality: When homosexuality began gaining political clout in the early 1980’s, God had no choice but to send the AIDS virus down to keep things under control. How many lives were lost or negatively affected due to homosexuality as a result? Some normal people were even also afflicted with it accidentally. Let’s remember all the people who have been hurt by homosexuals.

2. Failure of Western Medicine To Cure Cancer: How many people does cancer kill every year? Millions. And who has failed to cure it to this very day? That’s right. Western doctors. They easily could cure it if they really wanted to, but there is more money in chemotherapy than there is in curing it, so they don’t. Let’s remember all the people who have been hurt by Western medicine.

3. Foreskins: dozens of men die of penile cancer every year, we assume. That’s why Allah, in His wisdom, insists that we do that gentle little snippety-snip on all male babies, because He made them almost perfect, but not quite! Let’s remember all the people who died because they weren’t circumcised like Allah said.

4. American Foreign Policy: Actually, this one’s not a joke. Let’s move on.

5. American Domestic PolicyHow many people die in the United States because of poverty? Because of gun violence? Because of texting while driving? Because of drunk driving? Because of drunken texting? It’s not just American Foreign policy. American Domestic Policy is pretty screwed up too. Let’s remember all the people who lost their lives because of American political dysfunction.

6. American Intergalactic Policy: We are pretty sure some people have gotten killed because of the American Space Program at some point. George Clooney died in that movie with Sandra Bullock, and we think that might have been based on a true story. Also Matt Damon was trapped on Mars in that Marian movie. Let’s remember all the people who lost their lives, and who will lose their lives, because of American space exploration.

7. Obesity in the Developed World: So many people in the Western world are overweight, because of commercialized food production techniques, soda, huge portions at restaurants, etc. This leads to diabetes, heart disease, and other widespread ailments. This one’s also not a joke, let’s keep moving.

8. Malnutrition in the Developing World: How stupid is it that both this one AND #7 are problems? One of these we could understand but both? What is wrong with us? That’s why Islam has zakat. If we just followed Islam properly, you know what would become extinct? Problems. All of your and everyone else’s problems.

9. Gluten: Hopefully, everyone is by now aware of how dangerous and deadly gluten is for humans. There’s no telling how many lives this silent, doughy killer has ruined over the centuries. Let’s remember all the people who lost their lives because of gluten.

10. Atheism: How, you ask? Well, have a seat and let me learn you something. Evolution was invented by whom? That’s right. Atheists. And evolution talks about what? That’s right. Natural selection. The weak die off. Only the strong survive. Evolution is ruthless. It spares nobody. Thanks atheists. Thanks for this depressing fairy tale of a concept. Monkeys? Seriously? Who writes this stuff for you? Let’s remember all the people who lost their lives because of atheists.

And no, we don’t hate atheists, we just hate their terrible ideas, because when you say it like that it’s not bigotry.

11. Lack of education about Islam: Sadly, the lack of education about Islam contributes to many deaths these days. Misguided young men who do not understand Islam correctly attack innocent people. Non-Muslims who do not understand Islam blame Muslims and do violence against Muslims. The solution? Everyone should learn more about Islam, until everyone either embraces Islam, or is like thisclose to taking their Shahadah. If people really understood Islam, there would be no terrorism, and there would be no war on terrorism, because everyone would be Muslim. Let’s have a moment of silence for all the pain, suffering, and death in the world on account of lack of awareness of Islam.

(silence)

Amazingly, for all the talk about blaming Islam for violence, the Islamic Institute for Islamic Thought Processes could verify only two deaths that were linked to Islam in any way.

  1. The first was a man, Dr. Syed Nasirul Jangda Ahmed in Malaysia, who was praying in the masjid without stopping for 56 hours consecutively, without bathroom or food breaks. After the 56th hour, witnesses saw a light come from the sky that fixated on him, and that his soul left his body and ascended to the heavens.
  2. The second was an atheist who decided to read the Qur’an ironically, and who, upon opening the book and chuckling, “let’s look at some of those violent verses,” received a deep paper cut that got infected. He died of his injuries 18 days later after a long stay in the hospital.

How much proof do we need people? Wake up and smell the Islam. And stop blaming everything on us, try one of the other 11 things above.

Facebook Comments