There has been a rise in non-theistic violence in the past three decades. While many political commenters have blamed greenhouse gases, non-theologians and experts in non-theistic history say wars in the name of non-theism have been going on since the dawn of non-theism.

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Militant Atheist (right) and two theists (peaceful Christian and peaceful Muslim) parodying him.

Most of the violence is concentrated in the Middle East, the cradle of non-theism. In the Eastern parts of ME, the Militant Atheist Brigade and the Anti-theist Squad have ceased fighting a 5 year long war (experts say their war dates back to a split in atheism in the 7th century, Bin Aflagh begs to differ) and have now formed the Militant Anti-theist State aka MATS. Critics of the neighbouring country, the Republic of Duck, have stated that the Duckish president, Recep Tayyep Turducken has been allowing MATS to sell intricately patterned oriental mats freely in his state to finance their war. MATS is known to be the most violent terrorist organization in existence today, regularly attacking peaceful Muslim and Christian villages.

In the West, the Agnostic Front has been building settlements in Jewish villages, sparking worldwide outrage. The spokesperson for the AF told reporters,

“Scientifically sound research shows that this land was possibly the birthplace of agnosticism and had probably been ruled by agnostics for millennia before being driven out by foreign invaders. We just want our land – well, what we think might be our land – back.”

When asked about peace, he replied,

“There could be peace. Or there could be not. We can never know for sure.”

There has also been a rise in suicide attacks in the area, carried out by the main rivals of AF, the Agnostic Authority. In a video released by the group, a masked suicide bomber is shown saying,

“We are willing to sacrifice our lives for agnosticism. True agnosticism, not the heretical version followed by the Agnostic Front. We are not afraid of death. Because there could be a heaven and we could get 72 virgins. We don’t know. Maybe.”

A few leading figures of religion have spoken against non-theistic violence, with people like Shaykh Rashid Dovahkiin and Guru Samhara at the forefront, while most religious figures have denounced them saying,

“Non-theism deserves respect. People like Rashid Dovahkiin and Samhara taint the image of religion by being so disrespectful.”

Shaykh Rashid has defended himself,

“We, the religious, are only using words. We are criticizing harmful ideologies that do not deserve respect. It’s sad that critics of harmful ideologies are conflated with the ideologues who do real harm.”

Commenting on last year’s gruesome terrorist attack on the artists who drew pictures of a Higgs boson, Guru Samhara said,

“People have been murdered over cartoons, end of moral analysis.”

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