For years, secularist villains have preyed upon the innocent Muslim citizens of Gotham City, Bangladesh, polluting their faith by blogging and protesting for progressive ideas about secularism, tolerance for homosexuality, and freedom of belief- all ideas which are an affront to the divine plan of Allah for the Muslims.

Efforts to round up these secularists by Gotham City police have proved futile. But now, some of these secularist villains have begun dying in mysterious and gruesome ways- and Gotham City police have no idea who is behind it.

Amazingly, some non-Muslims and self-hating liberal Muslims have speculated that the killings are a form of backlash by extremist Muslim groups, and have tried to suggest there is something about how Islam is understood and practiced on a broad scale that might have motivated the killings. But this is categorically denied by Dr. Dzhokar Rahman.

“To suggest that these attacks have anything to do with Islam is ridiculous,” said Dr. Rahman. “There is simply nothing in Islam or in the Muslim community that could be interpreted as encouraging violence against those who are against Islam. I honestly don’t know where these people even get these ideas from.”

Dr. Dzhokar Rahman does not believe religion has anything to do with the attacks on Bangladeshi secularist villains

Dr. Dzhokar Rahman does not believe religion has anything to do with the attacks on Bangladeshi secularist villains

Asked if he had any theories of who- or what- was behind the surge in vigilantism against Bangladeshi secularists, Dr. Rahman said, “I don’t know. But if I were a Bangladeshi secularist, I’d be pretty careful about what I blogged about from now on.”

Dr. Rahman then began laughing uncontrollably.

Though very few have witnessed any of the attacks on these secularists villains, the few people who have seen them all offer the same strange account: they saw nothing… except a giant bat.

“I just looked up and there was this crashing sound, and then everything went dark. In a few seconds, the guy who was walking just across the way from me- he was dead. Later I read in the paper, it turns out he was a secularist blogger. I mean, I know those guys are a menace to Islam, but nobody deserves to die like that. It was terrible to watch. The poor kafir.”

Although no Muslims support the ideas of these secularist bloggers, and many believe that Allah subhana wa ta’ala will punish them very soon, many are not happy with the vigilantism being exercised against them.

“These attacks, they are not at all in accordance with anything in the Qur’an and Sunnah,” says one Muslim we interviewed. “I doubt very much that this ‘giant bat’ is a Muslim. He is not following Islam at all. If he says it is for Islam, he has never read the Qur’an probably.”

Many doubt that the masked vigilante, shown here, could be a true Muslim

Many doubt that the masked vigilante, believed to be shown here in this rare photograph, could be a true Muslim

Another Muslim resident we spoke to went even further in his condemnation of the attacks.

“Islam says ‘whoever takes the life of an innocent person, it is as if he has taken the life of all mankind,'” said our source. “This victim was clearly innocent. Yes, he advocated secular values, but in Islam, it is okay, we must tolerate even such people. Anyone who says otherwise, I question whether he is a true Muslim.”

A third Muslim citizen we spoke to was unequivocal in her statement: “That kind of thing is wrong. It has no place in Islam. It’s disgusting, frankly. Whoever did this, there’s no way they’re Muslim. Absolutely no way. And the people that support this? They’re just uneducated people. Islam means peace, everyone knows that. Look at all the people killed by Christian terrorists and Western foreign policy. But there’s no doubt about it, these killings are terrible. Now we’re probably going to see backlash against Muslims too…”

Compounding the unease of Gotham’s Muslim residents are the Islamophobic accusations from the far right, blaming all Muslims for the killings.

“Obviously, these charges are ridiculous,” says Commissioner Gordon of the Gotham City Police Department. “You can’t blame an entire religion for these killings, that’s absurd. You just heard three clear condemnations of these attacks by Muslim, and the attacker has nothing to do with Islam. I don’t know what more people want. We can’t be responsible for stopping every crazy person who wants to murder a secularist. We’d do nothing else then. Why do they even need to have blogs? Do they just want attention?”

Meanwhile, the entire Muslim population of Gotham is on edge over the killings. And one thing is for sure: Bangladesh’s secular bloggers are scared for their lives.

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