In a rare display of disobedience, in what is believed by many in the Islamic world to be the second of its kind (first one was way back during the Great Prostration), Shaitaan has declared that he has decided to disobey Allah SJW and His commandments by being … a nice guy.
Mufti News managed to get exclusive access to Shaitaan in a super exclusive interview in an obscure cave called Hiro in Macce, Audi Sarabia.
He explains his rationale.
“I’ve had enough of resorting to the same ole tactics. Alladammit. It’s the fucking 21st century for Allah’s sake. I’m getting too damn predictable and I’m sick of the same old najs. It’s about fucking time man.”
“So anyways, I know this is a huge deviation from the original plans made way way back but really though, if my job was truly to disobey Allah, then I’d have to disobey disobeying Him. That way, I’d really be doing my job you know. All along, I’ve really just been obeying Allah, by obediently disobeying Him.”
“Lust, it’s me. Greed, it’s me. Possessions? Yea, me too, I get my runners to do the dirty work. I can’t be everywhere all at the same time, you know. That kinda omnipresence shit is Allah’s domain. Plus it’s not like the Buraq would let me ride it, what with the whole The Prophet-actually-rode-on-my-fucking-back ego that it’s got stuck up its ass. Hahah! Ass. Geddit? Nevermind. Oh by the way, the killing of the refugees at sea, that wasn’t me I swear. I think Allah has better plans for them, seeing how this world was a fucking shithole for them to begin with, I guess.”
“But I digress.”
Regarding his immediate plans for the future, Shaitaan had this to say.
“Well, I intend to help everyone out as much as I can. A Muslim teenager forgetting to pray, I’ll remind him. Hell, I’ll even stop a would-be ex-Muslim from having doubtful thoughts about Allah and the Quran and Muhammad, cos well the heavens know that shit is fucking hard to believe at times. A Muslim lady hoping to leave the house without her hair covered? I’d make it difficult for her to leave. Yea, we’re still in the process of coming up with the full list of actionable items. It’s admittedly a new industry we’re headed into.”
“I know it’s gonna be a lot of hard work on my end but hey, I’m just trying to achieve some fulfilment from my job man. I’m getting old. Been in this whole bad guy evil business for ages. It’s time for uh, how do I put it, a nice change.”
“As it is, I’ve already gotten my Satanic chapters all around the world briefed on our plans at our last AGM. They’re all ready and waiting to be mobilised to do good at my orders. I even already got a couple of my guys at several Satanic chapters to borrow evolution, science and philosophy books from a couple of libraries and never return them so it would be a lot harder for Muslims to go astray.”
Back at the Mufti’s headquarters, news of Shaitaan’s change of mind has caused panic and chaos as some expressed concerns about potentially losing their jobs to Shaitaan and Co while others were visibly confused.
Some others were sulking at the fact that they were going to have to review all of 2017 and 2018’s Friday prayers sermon materials.
A rather shaken Mufti, Mufti Khalid Al-Walid said, “ Well honestly, we don’t know what the hell to do with this.”
“Somebody’s got to play the bad guy, or it just doesn’t add up. And we all know it can’t be Allah. Allah’s the good guy. The role that Shaitan plays or in this case, played, was crucial in that it allowed for that whole evil element in the narrative. And now, it doesn’t play out. Blimey. Who is going to explain for all the bad things that happen out of our own free will now and all the other times that humanity has fucked up on a whole?”
“We also think that Shaitaan is trying to portray himself as a saviour of some kind so that public perception would slide towards Shaitaan and away from Allah. Also, this just confuses the heck out of us. Do we go with Shaitaan’s plans? Are we like now still Team Allah or Team Shaitaan or Team Both? If Shaitaan is now doing good, do we help him out or continue hating on him? We have to figure this out right away.”
“These are trying times indeed. ”
“May Allah guide us. “