Eastern Aleppo – thousands of civilian lives have been lost since the start of the carnage in the city.  A recent report by Jazeera stated that “About 80,000 civilians are now trapped in the few square kilometres of east Aleppo that remain under opposition control.”

Rupert Colville, a UN rights office spokesman called the situation “a complete meltdown of humanity”.

Amidst all the carnage, our news desk received a series of faxes through our fax machine that we were sure was Allah SWT speaking. The messages read as such:

“The situation got so bad that I SWT was concerned that the whole city might lose faith in me SWT. I SWT mean, they have been Muslims for so long and now the situation has worsened so much, it would be a waste for them to just abandon their faith like that. It would make it really hard for me SWT to help them later in the afterlife.”

It ain't as easy as you'd think you know.

It ain’t as easy as you’d think you know.

“I used to change things back in the days of Pharaoh, you know, splitting of seas, and giving a little bit of divine help every now and then in a battle I need won to fulfil the stuff I knew was going to happen according to my plan. But those days are far and gone. These days, I prefer taking the back seat, what with my last performance back in Mo PBUH’s days.”

“So anyway, Gabby, Mo PBUH and I SWT, we did, we took a good hard look at our plans and we realised one thing that made it all the more tricky a situation to fix. By me, both sides were Muslims! Well at least the records show that they had mentioned the shahada and pledged their allegiance to me SWT at some point in time. Both sides pray at least five times a day. I SWT am fair so I SWT figured I SWT would just leave it to judgment day to fix this clusterfuck. “

“So anyway, I SWT shall instead just conclude that this was all part of the plan right from the very start. This is a crucial piece in reaching the end. It was decided that it would happen even before it happened. And me SWT interfering would mean that I SWT would have to go back to the drawing boards, and make sure everything fits how I SWT want everything to end.”

“And in the mean time, you have to have faith in me SWT that everything is for the better. I SWT only ever test people however much they can handle and nothing more. That is all I SWT ever ask for. “

“I SWT guess I SWT’ll go easy on those guys who had a tough time.  Maybe I SWT will even close an eye or two.”

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