The 60-year-old Abū al-Qāsim Muḥammad ibn ʿAbd Allāh ibn ʿAbd al-Muṭṭalib ibn Hāshim peace be upon him, from Mecca, Arabian wild west, made headlines in the year 610 CE, after he claimed to have received a divine mission and revelation while he was ‘chilling in his cave crib’, which he said was given to him by an angel “with huge ass wings” named Gabriel.
“At the time, it just seemed like a fun thing to do, man, I was like, I am going to make these niggas kiss a black stone, pray to a random cubic thing I found in Mecca and at the same time tell ’em that it’s not okay to worship idols, just for the lolz,” says the prophet when describing his humble beginnings.
Every year, millions of Muslims travel from around the world to Saudi Arabia to complete the Hajj pilgrimage in the holy city of Mecca. The journey is seen as one of the five pillars of Islam, central to the faith. Pilgrims spend five days praying both in Mecca and the surrounding desert. It is a spiritual pilgrimage that every adult Muslim must perform at least once in their lives if they can afford it and are physically able. In order to be closer to God, they wear simple clothes, aren’t allowed to argue, and perform rituals such as throwing stones at pillars to symbolise rejecting evil.
“Oh, hell no, me? Merciful? I did not just massacre the Jews of Medina to be called merciful, the fucktards, they follow my book and don’t even know who I was or what I did.”
“Wait, wait, wait, you mean, you mean they actually stopped eating pork? The absolute mad men, it was just a prank, bro! I can’t believe they fell for that one, I should have pushed it a bit farther and said, it’s forbidden to wear clothes, because God created us in a perfect form and it’s blasphemy to hide his work, aaah, the missed opportunities…” The prophet’s answer after we told him that Muslims abstain from eating pork.
When we told him about the perception of his personality and character by modern Muslims, the prophet peace be upon him didn’t seem to like what he heard, “Oh, hell no, me? Merciful? I did not just massacre the Jews of Medina to be called merciful, the fucktards, they follow my book and don’t even know who I was or what I did.”
“I talked to no one, man, I was just at some cave browsing Jesus’ pranks on YouCube for like seven hours straight and decided to follow on his footsteps, I took a few things from 4jewan too,” says the prophet.
“I want to send a message to all the aspiring prophets out there, believe in yourselves, everyone else will do once you do it. I mean look at me now, thirteen wives, the hottest in Arabia, and I am not even that good looking; I started from humble beginnings, didn’t even graduate high school for fuck’s sake, but I made it, and you can too!”
“I am going to return to heaven now,” says the prophet jokingly as he was walking towards a whorehouse down the street.
This has been a guest post by Dr. Ayyub Al Amazighi